I am a fifty six year old woman who is grappling with a dilemna. Depression, substance abuse, low self esteem, dysfunctional relationships, just to name a few, haveperplexed me my entire life. Now, at fifty six, I am scrambling for a way up, and out. I am intelligent, although don't have much in the work experience area due to the obvious, stated above. I've attempted college, university, and nearly pulled it off! Except for having to withdraw from all my classes, to care for my partner jimmy, while he battled bladder cancer with chemo, then chemo again with radiaation added-five days a week.. Well, the only positive thing I had in my life for nearly all my life--was quickly nipped in the bud. Now, there is a slim chance that I can finish my degree because I haave to have fin. aid. and withdrawing while on fin. aid, puts a huge crimp in mypossibility of getting the holds lifted!
So, here I am, what do I do? I feel like I can't take this life any more. Were it not for my son, and gransdon, I would have pulled the plug already. When one's life is disproportionaltly more depression and despair, overpowering any sense of hope or achievement, well, what's it worth?
I cry and cry, and feel like I am at the bottom of the barrel. Not a new concept or feeling for me. But, now, it's much worse, and more often.

Co-Evolution

Evolution in two-or more-species of organisms
such that
changes in one
affect
changes in the other(s).

I'm listening to a story about a woman who grew to be anorexic, and her memories growing up as a kid are "feeling uncomfortable in "her own skin, inadequate, less than, totally different than others-leading to her conclusion that if she were thin, and thiner and thiner, she would fit in and be a happy girl. She also mentions the media, the magazines models figures and airbrushed bodies. The story continues that asks was she born with this --dna? She was born with depression a doctor says. Yes. I see the correlation with drug and alcohol addiction. Any addiction, really. Eating disorders are being researched as genetic predisorders. It is in the early stages, but I can see where it is going, and I agree. The evidence is in regarding alcoholism being an inherited disorder,, via twin studies and more. It will be interesting to watch how these studies/research unravels regarding eating disorders. So common amongst females, and so devastating, a killer-literally.

Time to Get Busy!

Yes it is. I've decided to start posting "daily" or every other day. There is so much pounding around in my head these days that my brain is spilling over into my nervous system and those other parts of our be-ing. Yeeooww. My body is screaming, my thoughts are feuding with themselves; now that's really bad. So, tonight I say to myself and any body else that I commit to writing my blog. Believe me, there is alot of stuff I need/want to talk about. Tons, really.
So, off to my bed I go, to read something suspensful by James Patterson. I'll stay away from non-fiction tonight, I've got enough of my own to decipher in the hours and days to come.
PS: Good night my adored son and grandson. You keep my heart warm when nothing else can. I love you, and good night.